I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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