I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
