he puts the penis in happiness.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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