I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
