Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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