I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
