i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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