I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
