Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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