Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
