I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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