I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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