If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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