my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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