I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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