the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
