eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize