i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
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