i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
