Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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