we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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