How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
