i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Operation Purity has been aborted
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
