I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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