A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
