woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You were trust falling into bushes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
