I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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