man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I believe in your delicious
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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