somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
