I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
