The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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