I wish I could teleport
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
