Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
