One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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