I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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