Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
