oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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