Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
