I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
