The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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