In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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