i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
