So drunk its hurt
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize