Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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