We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
These tits shall not be calmed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
