xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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