I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
