If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
