I wish I only lived at night.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize