we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
