Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
