We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just found puke in my bra..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
