Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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