At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
