I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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