i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
