Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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