Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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