Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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