i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize