I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
