im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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