I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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