it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
