I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize