I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
