He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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