Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize