My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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